THIS is where this challenge fails

Today I kept busy.  I didn’t feel great……yes, I was non-stop hungry, but today I had this weird motivation to keep going and to be productive…  and here’s why:

I can see the finish line- and THAT’S the flaw in our little challenge.

Since Monday night, I’ve really tried to get in the headspace that this whole thing wasn’t just about rationing the food over a 7 day stretch- I tried to forget that on Tuesday, the 20th-  I can eat whatever I want again.  I tried to believe that on Tuesday, the 20th I was just going to get another random food hamper full of God-knows-what and this would all reset. From what I’ve read, heard and seen- that’s the reality these people live in- on top of everything else that is so completely soul-crushing about living in poverty and relying on The Food Bank-  you can’t even cleanly ration what you are given, because you have no idea what’s waiting for you next time around.

Back to the start.

There are many of you who I’m sure thought I must be a stupid human being for looking so pitiful already by Day 2- but that’s because I thought ‘if this was really happening, I would eat the perishable food first’  and that’s what I did.  For the first 5 days all I ate was the generous double helping of lettuce, and my giant pot of lentil, carrot and potato soup/stew- over and over and over again.   I suffered though the flavorless monotony because I figured- the spaghetti, the spaghetti sauce and the tuna could sit in my cupboard endlessly.  Same with the mini pizzas in my freezer.  They are not going to go bad.  I was terrified to eat these items, everything else I was given would expire (in some cases had already expired) but I treated those items like the ace up my sleeve.   This is also why I hung onto my $5 until last night.

Which brings me to tonight.

I stared at the tuna, the spaghetti and sauce and the mini pizzas and I felt guilty relief. My brain did the math and now, no matter how hard I try, I can’t go back to the way it was.  All I have left now, is arguably the best food that was given to me in the hamper, and I only have two days left.  For supper I ate the mini pizzas and that’s something I wouldn’t have done if this was all real.  If all my future held was another trip to The Saskatoon Food Bank, I would have continued to keep the pizzas frozen as my backup plan.  I would have suffered through another terrible patched-together supper.  But my mind is trying to check out of this early- looking at how little I actually ate Tues, Wed, and Thurs- tuna, spaghetti and a couple of still-frozen hot dog buns is more than enough to survive on for 48 hours, especially when a giant delicious meal of my choosing is just around the corner…..and knowing this has ruined the last two days for me.  The end is in sight!  Now, I’m living for Tuesday night: The Finish Line!  and how amazing it’s going to be to go back to eating whatever I want again and as I type this I’m wondering if I’ve even really learned anything!  LOL.

This week has sucked on every imaginable level.  I’ve been hungry nonstop and as a result I’ve been a terrible husband, a distant father, my on air work has been embarrassing, and haven’t had the desire to do anything other than COPE while I waited for the next terrible meal.  On Tuesday, I paid for, out of my pocket, a pizza party for my friends.  On Wednesday, after taping Stripped Down the music show- more pizza, (free, sponsored pizza, this time) but still – I had to say NO….again!  On Friday, we promised our son weeks ago that we would take him to The Lion King in 3D on opening night, so I sat beside him as he ate theatre popcorn for an hour and a half.  This doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the angry, paranoid irrational thoughts that streamlined through my skull hour after hour.   I have the attention span of a toddler.

What have I learned this week?  Hunger makes you resentful and poverty is a giant pit.  Food deprivation makes it impossible to think rationally which in turn, makes it damn near impossible to make any sort of positive changes…. and the worst part of it all is the fact that the smallest risk could be a mistake and sink you even deeper, so it’s honestly safer to just keep trudging forward, wincing on eggshells with every step.